Unceremoniously, it's been two and a half years. That feels like not a lot of time AND like a million lifetimes... you know? When I wrote my last blog I was sitting at my desk / kitchen table in my Cleveland studio apartment, a place I feel such a longing for lately. I miss coming home from slinging espresso and curling into my own little world, watching Spongebob with Wizard and making lentil soup. I live in Portland, Oregon now. I'm living with housemates as a live-in nanny, Wizard passed away, I've seen wonderful loves of all flavors come and go, I work in an elementary school library... It's a little hard to process all that change. I miss Edgewater Beach. I miss going on lonely walks in the snow. I miss listening to my music and pasting things on my walls. I miss the mushrooms growing in my bathtub. Yes, even them...
There are lots of things, of course, that I love about my life now. I live across the country! It's the biggest move I've ever made. I love Mount Tabor, I love the ocean. I love riding my bike and I love the thunder thighs that have been slowly growing over my bones as a result. I love making new friends. I love being gay. I love living near so many babies. I love that I am making comics again. But still, but still... what to do with all this grief about what my life used to be?
It's funny, too, because if I were to hop in a time machine and go back to 2021, I know I wouldn't feel happy. Sometimes I scrub through my camera roll to look at pictures of myself and my world from this time to try and remember the hurt. Of course it was there. But with time and distance I only remember the sweetness, for better or for worse. It's easier for me to remember the things I want back than to remember all the nights of crying myself to sleep, of feeling lonely and confused and rattling on and on in therapy. So I guess I should just remember that for a few years down the line when I'm remember this exact time in Portland. Right now I feel lost, coming undone, excited and happy and proud but still so lost and upset. I bet in two and half more years I'll be feeling nostalgia for this time and want parts of it back. So I guess it serves me best to just be present in exactly what this moment is.
Hey, what a philosophical blog post! Anyways, I'm excited to get back into this website. I'm going to redesign some things, update the art gallery, try to figure out how to add more pages. How about a page for my comic diary? I like this little hobby because it's teaching me how to code. Which is baller! Bye!
Love, Sam (I'm Sam now)
Wait, actually, I would like to write an actual blog post.
I feel very far away from some of the key things I care about, like comics and play, and it hurts me a lot that I'm not doing them. I think I'm burning out, and there's something in my work/life balance that isn't working. I need to figure out what it is, and I need to fix it.
It's been a long time since I've sat down to draw, a long time since I've felt like doing it, and it makes me feel kind of lost to not be doing it. You, reader, if there are any readers, what do you do when you feel lost from the things you love?
In other news, I bought a blender and I've been on a big smoothie kick. Yummo!
Love,
Samantha
oops
Love,
Samantha
Greetings! I feel like only my parents and a few friends are going to read these, but I guess that's what I like about starting a webpage instead of keeping my nose stuck in Instagram -- I have no idea who could possibly be seeing this because I don't have a fancy little like counter to tell me one way or another.
Today was SOOOOOOOO SLOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW at work, so slow that I did something I usually reserve for Absolute Bordeom at work: I started wiping down random microscopic spots of coffee splashes on the walls (I work at a coffee shop, by the way). It is almost a pointless task, not pointless but...ALMOST pointless. ALMOST. I made myself a flat white (my favorite drink and perhaps....the best drink...) but I added too much milk. But I really love the taste of a ristretto shot!
Wizard (my cat) has been scratching my couch every now and again and meowing at me constantly (the meowing isn't new) and I'm wondering if I need to be playing with him more. I read that neediness and scratching could be signs or boredom and that he needs more interactive playtime to engage his instincts and get out some energy. It's been tricky to learn how he likes to play! He likes to hunt his toys alone at night, but when it comes to playing with me (with a laser, feather toy) he gets scared kind of quickly. I think he gets anxious when being approached too quickly, because he'll stay engaged with the feather toy, for instance, right up until I try to move it faster and get him excited -- that's when he gets spooked and runs away from the UNPREDICTABLE FAST THING. This makes sense to me; I adopted him from the humane society last year and he's already six, so I think he's probably gotten used to being on edge and dashing when he feels even slightly unsafe. That makes the line between fun and not-fun very thin in our playtime, so I'm going to have to be patient! I wanna give him the interactive playtime he needs but I need to learn how he likes to play together. I love the idea of this mission, this side quest: I must undercover the secrets of playtime. I will succeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've run out of thoughts. Not really, but I'm done here. Bye!
Love,
Samantha
BAM! Here I am again! Uhhhhhhh welllllll
I moved Wizard (cat)'s climbing tree to the window today, which... I wonder why I didn't do that for him until now? He loves it! I live on the top floor of my apartment building, so he really has maximum height advantage now. I came home to find him perched at the tippy top, just looking out the window and feeling the rainy breeze. My apartment faces a courtyard so his only view is the neighbors across the way, really, but sometimes he can spot a confused bird darting around the courtyard!
Yo guess what I had for dinner? If you have any guesses please pause to say them in your mind now. I had vegan sketty and meatballs and some roasted broccoli and I really enjoyed it. I'm thinking about buying a Japanese tea table and some cusions, because now that my friends and I are fully vaccinated, I can start having people over to my apartment! I want to bring all my friends here and make them feel warm.
I gotta go to bed -- SHIA KAZING!!!! *she claps her hands together and disappears in a cloud of smoke*
Love,
Samantha
Well, here u go! My first blog post on my blog! I am happy you are here (if you're here). I don't really know what to say right now. My kitchen smells like trash because my trash can is broken, and therefore not sealed all that well. So there's just...trash smell drfiting around everywhere.
Okay, wanna hear what else is wrong with my apartment? Nothing's really WRONG, but just funny. Like, I have a very old gas oven, and there are massive gaps in the burners if you can visualize that, and the problem with that is... food falls down there all the time. There are lots of rogue macaroni noodles and sweet potatoes just sitting down there, and I worry that they're going to catch fire and burn down the building. But I guess that's not very likely.
Also, this morning I found a mushroom growing in my shower. HA HA! Isn't that precious? I was washing my face when I noticed it, very skinny and itty bitty, coming out of a crack where the window meets the shower wall. I opened the window to see if there were any more, and instead I found a family of crawly bugs. I cleaned with bleach later.
I think I'll keep this first post short n sweet... thanks for reading if you read it! See you soon!
Love,
Samantha